Agent J (Jay): I can't believe you lookin' for tips in the supermarket tabloids!

Agent K (Kay): Not lookin' for. Found.

Agent J (Jay): [blows out] That's right, that's-- Ooh! Um, Kay! Oh, damn, man! Hey, uh, something's--Kay! Something's peekin', man!

Rosenburg: [to his cat] Okay, sweetie. Just hang on while I pay the impolite man.

Agent J (Jay): All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor. She don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.

Agent K (Kay): Two minutes.

Police Inspector: I want to talk to you.

NYPD Sergeant: [shouting at Edwards] Ten minutes - you take your best shot, tough guy!

Police Inspector: Outside, now!

James Edwards: Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard!

INS Agent Janus: Who are you, really?

Agent K (Kay): Really?

Agent K (Kay): I am just a figment of your imagination.

Agent K (Kay): Damn, what a gullible breed.

Agent K (Kay): Searching for a handle on the moment? I can't help you. The only comfort I can offer... is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.

James Edwards: That's not exactly some shit you just forget.

NYPD Sergeant: Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...

James Edwards: Hey man, what are you talking about? I *am* half the man that you are.

James Edwards: What's up?

Perp: He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.

James Edwards: Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?

Perp: You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.

James Edwards: What the hell are you?

James Edwards: Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!

Agent J (Jay): [after trying to get Kay and Zed's attention, without any luck] *Hey, Old Guys!* Does this still work?

Agent K (Kay): So what do you think?

Agent J (Jay): Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...

Agent K (Kay): What about the body?

Agent J (Jay): Great body...

Agent K (Kay): The *dead* body.

Agent J (Jay): *These* are the hot sheets?

Agent K (Kay): Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

Agent J (Jay): And what, we don't like bugs?

Agent K (Kay): Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.

Agent J (Jay): You were stung as a child, weren't you?

Agent J (Jay): [Steps on roach] Ooo, I'm sorry. Was that your aunty?

Agent J (Jay): [to bug] Oh, you have so got to die.

Passport Officer: You ever heard of Division 6?

Police Inspector: There is no Division 6. This is bull shit.

Passport Officer: Yeah.

Agent K (Kay): [his first lines] We'll take it from here.

Agent J (Jay): Kay...

Agent J (Jay): Get down!

Agent J (Jay): Whooo...

Edgar: Where do you keep your dead?

Manny the News Vendor: [thinks] I don't have any dead.

Edgar: Where?

Manny the News Vendor: I don't know, the city morgue!

Agent K (Kay): Did anything about that seem unusual to you?