Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

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User Rating: 0 / 5
(0 votes)
Year: 2004
Genre: Comedy / Sport
Number of Quotes: 118
Submitted by: TheRudyStyle


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Movie Quotes from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) (Movie)

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Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
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Kate Veatch: [Peter sees her house for the first time] I like... unicorns.
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Steve the Pirate: The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I'll be sharing me buried treasure with ya... once I find it, that be.
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White Goodman: Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!
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White Goodman: In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do.
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Steve the Pirate: I'm gonna send you all to hell!
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Patches O'Houlihan: I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
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[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]
Uber Film Narrator: [U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America's youth since 1938.
[Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]
Uber Film Narrator: Hey there, Timmy!
Timmy: [yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.
Uber Film Narrator: How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?
Timmy: Boy, would I!
[the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Dem in China]
Timmy: Wow! Where am I, Mister?
Uber Film Narrator: You're in a Chinese Opium Dem, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.
Timmy: A.D.A.A.?
Uber Film Narrator: That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!
Timmy: Wow! I can't wait to get the fellas together and play!
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[closing credits; 1st ever Average Joe's commerical upon the takeover from Globo Gym]
Peter La Fleur: Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and making some good friends in the process...
[hands a towel to a female member]
Peter La Fleur: ...then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget that Youth Dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
Average Joe's Kids: Right!
[throws the balls at Peter and the team]
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Peter La Fleur: That feels good. Oh, that tickle machine
[chuckles]
Peter La Fleur: [Peter's dog, Crash, jumps on him]
Peter La Fleur: Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! No grundle.
White Goodman: [from the G.G. commercial] C'mon down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym...
White Goodman, The Globo Gym Team: [all together] We're better than you...
White Goodman: and we know it!
Peter La Fleur: [disgust] Spare me.
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[opening: Globo Gym commercial]
Globo Gym Announcer: Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
White Goodman: [finshing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got.
[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]
White Goodman: Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
White Goodman: [climbing on the rocky wall; grunts] And that's where we come in.
[evil laughter]
White Goodman: Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine!
White Goodman: [wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair] Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client.
[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago]
White Goodman: That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
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Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
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Peter La Fleur: Come on, Kate. It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.
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Peter La Fleur: You need some help leaving White?
White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, Lafleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.
White Goodman: I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, 'cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.
Kate Veatch: [Judo-grabs White Goodman] You don't get to touch me, ever!
Peter La Fleur: Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.
White Goodman: Get off of me, don't you touch me. It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!
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White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
White Goodman: I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur: Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman: Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.
White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to *you*.
Peter La Fleur: All right.
White Goodman: ...Touche.
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Amber: Justin! I love you!
Justin: I lov...
White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chachi!
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Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
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Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Justin: What?
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]

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