Wild Wild West
Wild Wild West

Wild Wild West

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User Rating: 0 / 5
(0 votes)
Year: 1999
Genre: Action / Western / Comedy / SciFi
Number of Quotes: 37
Submitted by: TheRudyStyle


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Movie Quotes from Wild Wild West (1999) (Movie)

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[preparing to try their flying machine]
Artemus Gordon: Hold on. Avanti!
[the bicycle speeds forward]
Artemus Gordon: Avanti! Avanti!
Capt. James West: Why isn't this thing avanti-ing?
Artemus Gordon: We're not getting enough lift! We need more speed!
[He turns toward a cliff]
Capt. James West: Artie, that's a cliff!
Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know!
Capt. James West: That means the ground is gonna end!
Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know!
Capt. James West: Gordon... Gordon... GORDON!
[the machine goes off the edge of the cliff... and sails into the air]
Artemus Gordon: It works! It works!
Capt. James West: If you had to get one right, Artie, I'm sure glad it was this one.
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President Grant: Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two.
Artemus Gordon: Thank you, Mr. President.
[pause]
Artemus Gordon: Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number One and which is Number Two?
President Grant: I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you?
Artemus Gordon: Not if you don't, sir.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless: [after blasting McGrath] Well, I think that concludes this night's festivities. Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
[he turns to face the assembled foreign dignitaries]
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Gentlemen, since the beginning of written history a nation's power has been measured by the size of its standing army. Tonight that chapter will be closed. The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct, laid low by a *cripple*-!
[splash as McGrath's body hits the water]
Dr. Arliss Loveless: -as the general so amusingly implied, and mechanology. But my friends, that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cooking up for me next. So, if I have piqued your interest, bring one thousand kilograms of your country's gold to Spider Canyon in ten days time. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.
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Capt. James West: For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre at New Liberty. I hear tell that's you.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: I am not an animal! I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am *angry*! And after I kill you, I swear I'm going to boil you down for axle grease!
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Artemus Gordon: I've been trying to place myself in Loveless' shoes.
Capt. James West: Good luck with that one.
Artemus Gordon: What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs, want with Rita?
Artemus Gordon: [Rita falls through the train's sliding roof, beside West, unseen by Gordon] Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so...
Artemus Gordon: [turns and notices Rita] ... what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so...
[quietly to West]
Artemus Gordon: How long has she been here?
Capt. James West: Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
Artemus Gordon: I am profoundly sorry.
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Loveless Hentchman: [Doing Karate moves] I learned that from a China man
Capt. James West: [Kickes up a shovel and hits him in the face] I just made that up
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[Preparing a flying machine]
Artemus Gordon: Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernoulli's theory states that the air flowing over a bird's wing is at a lower pressure than the air flowing under the wing. That's called "lift," and that is what we're now going to... attempt. Of course, it's only a theory, it's never been tested...
Capt. James West: Stop talking.
Artemus Gordon: Sorry.
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[they have gotten stuck back to gether with collar magnets. Trying to free each other, they end up in an even worse fix]
Artemus Gordon: What did you do?
Capt. James West: I didn't do shit!
Artemus Gordon: [accusing] Yes, you did! You've somehow reversed the polarity of your magnet!
Capt. James West: Hey! I-did-not-do-shit!
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[having just diffused Dr. Loveless' mechanical legs after being kicked around - and stomped on - by them]
Capt. James West: Well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought that was pretty funny, dancing on my head and all. Now, if you ask me, someone owes someone else here an apology.
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[hanging out of the 80-foot spider, which is dangling over a cliff]
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, I'll be a MONKEY'S uncle! How how did we arrive in this DARK situation?
Capt. James West: I don't know, Dr. Loveless. I'm just as STUMPED as you are.
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Rita Escobar: He's so impetuous.
Artemus Gordon: Yes, he's an idiot.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless: Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.
Rita Escobar: Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends.
[In a low voice]
Rita Escobar: Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!
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Capt. James West: [Whistles] I'd like to have everyone's attention for a moment. It seems we have had series of major misunderstandings here tonight. First of all, the whole "drummin' on the boobies" thing. Now in my native land...
Someone in crowd: Georgia?
Capt. James West: Africa. We use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston. All I was saying to the gal was, "Hi, how ya doing? My name's Jim. How's your momma?" Then there was the whole "Redneck" comment. And I'm sensing that you took that negatively. But let's break down that word "Redneck". First word red, color of power, fire, passion. Second word neck... neck... hey I can't think of nothing for neck right now, but without that you still got red and that's something to be proud of.
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Capt. James West: Let's break it down into two words. First, red. Red is like, fire, passion. Neck is - I can't think of anything for neck right now.
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General 'Bloodbath' McGrath: [shouting] You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You've betrayed us!
Dr. Arliss Loveless: My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
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Artemus Gordon: We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have?
[they look down into a canyon]
Artemus Gordon: He has his own city.
[Loveless' mechanical spider walks up over the edge of the cliff on which they are standing]
Capt. James West: He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Artemus Gordon: I was just coming to that.
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[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest]
Artemus Gordon: I only have one request! That you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Shoot him in the head.
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Capt. James West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.
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Artemus Gordon: Jim?
Capt. James West: What now, Artie?
Artemus Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question?
Capt. James West: Actually, I do, Artie.
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Capt. James West: Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.

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