Wild Wild West
Wild Wild West

Wild Wild West

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User Rating: 0 / 5
(0 votes)
Year: 1999
Genre: Action / Western / Comedy / SciFi
Number of Quotes: 37
Submitted by: TheRudyStyle


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Movie Quotes from Wild Wild West (1999) (Movie)

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Dr. Arliss Loveless: Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!
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Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!
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Capt. James West: I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness.
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Coleman: President thought you boys could use a little looking-after. But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.
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Artemus Gordon: Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket.
Capt. James West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?
Artemus Gordon: That's the first place Loveless would have looked.
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[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch]
Capt. James West: Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.
Artemus Gordon: Don't worry.
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Capt. James West: Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
Artemus Gordon: Excuse me?
Capt. James West: Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Artemus Gordon: [chuckling maniacally] Oh ho ho, I see. *Now* I'm the "master of this mechanical stuff." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless...
[throws back his head and shouts]
Artemus Gordon: JIM WEST!
["Jim West" echoes through the canyon]
Artemus Gordon: ...decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!
Capt. James West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF!
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[chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks]
Artemus Gordon: The collars around our necks! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!
Capt. James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power?
Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years!
Capt. James West: Damn!
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[Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt]
General 'Bloodbath' McGrath: What's this?
Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?
General 'Bloodbath' McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy.
Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand?
General 'Bloodbath' McGrath: Woof!
Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak!
General 'Bloodbath' McGrath: [panting] Woof! Woof!
Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
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Capt. James West: I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath.
Artemus Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.
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[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs]
Capt. James West: You know, you could put a gun on that.
Artemus Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil?
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Capt. James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men!
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Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may have lost the war, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen, a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs, and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south, do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?
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Capt. James West: Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment?
Artemus Gordon: A bedside heater.
Capt. James West: What?
Artemus Gordon: Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings!
Capt. James West: Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted!
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age!
Capt. James West: Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment!
Capt. James West: Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!
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Artemus Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass.
Capt. James West: Pardon me?
Artemus Gordon: What?
Capt. James West: You said "ass."
Artemus Gordon: No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
Capt. James West: Let's just get some shut ass.
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President Grant: Mr. West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two.

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