Charlie Chaplin: [reading an invitation] "Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair celebrating her Majesty's 50th year on the throne."

Chon Wang: Sounds good.

Roy O'Bannon: Yeah, it doesn't address the issue of security. They're not just gonna let me and Chon waltz into the castle.

Charlie Chaplin: All you need is a proper disguise.

Roy O'Bannon: I do like a good disguise...

Chon Wang: What else can you tell?

Doyle: The owner of this watch is a bad gambler and a lousy shot. Although he's cheated death several times, he spends most of his life wandering in a rather pathetic and futile search for purpose and respect... oh, yes. He has a penchant for loose women.

Roy O'Bannon: Ok, Chon, ya little Chinese otter. Let's play.

Roy O'Bannon: Artie, Lin is not a killer. She's just a really, really, really hot, confused, Chinese girl.

Roy O'Bannon: We come from America. You might have heard of it? We run your jerkwatter country.

Roy O'Bannon: [line in outtakes] And, Jackie? I'm not Roy O'Bannon.

Roy O'Bannon: [to a palace guard] The queen, look, the queen! She's mooning us!

Roy O'Bannon: [to Charlie] Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan!

Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.

Roy O'Bannon: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.

Roy O'Bannon: Where have you been?

Chon Wang: I was busy.

Roy O'Bannon: Unbelievable!

Chon Wang: Patience, Roy.

Roy O'Bannon: Tell that to the eel swimming up my ass!

Roy O'Bannon: Just go ahead and drown me! I don't care anymore!

Roy O'Bannon: Why did you let us out?

Charlie Chaplin: Why did you give up the seal?

Roy O'Bannon: Because I'm a fool.

Charlie Chaplin: I guess I'm a fool, too.

Roy O'Bannon: I thought the food here was supposed to suck!

Chon Wang: Roy! Roy! My ass is on fire.

Chon Wang's Father: You are not permitted to gaze at the Imperial Seal.

Worker: Bloody tourists!

Roy O'Bannon: Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw whatever you want at me! Your terrible weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!

Roy O'Bannon: Hold it right there, Rathboner!

Chon Wang: Roy come on!

Chon Wang: Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field?

Roy O'Bannon: I don't know, Chon, these people are nuts.