Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

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User Rating: 0 / 5
(0 votes)
Year: 1994
Number of Quotes: 57
Submitted by: TheRudyStyle


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Movie Quotes from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) (Movie)

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[Ace is standing in front of Lois who's in her underwear]
Ace Ventura: My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!
[turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions]
Ace Ventura: *That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
[all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them]
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Ron Camp: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa Robinson: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ron Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa Robinson: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ron Camp: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.
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Ace Ventura: [has been trying to figure out a connection between Lt. Lois Einhorn and football player Ray Finkle, when he sees his dog's fur overlapping Finkle's hair in a photo] What the... That's it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace remembers how Einhorn kissed him and the pieces fall into place]
Ace Ventura: Oh, my GOD! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace heads to the bathroom to throw up]
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Mr. Shickadance: [comes from behind Ace] Ventura.
Ace Ventura: Yes Satan.
[turns around and sees Mr. Shickadance]
Ace Ventura: Ohh, I thought you were someone else.
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Melissa Robinson: I swear if you do anything to embarass me this evening...
Ace Ventura: What? Like this?
[makes wierd noises,Doorman answers the door]
Ace Ventura: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!
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Ace Ventura: [has just finished 'singing' for Cannibal Corpse] I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!
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Ace Ventura: WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
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Ace Ventura: No problem, it gets flooded, we'll just wait a few seconds.
[suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball bat]
Ace Ventura: Or we could try it now.
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[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
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Ace Ventura: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
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Ace Ventura: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio: Ace, this is not the time. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
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Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
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[Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind]
Ace Ventura: Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?
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Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.
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Ace Ventura: [with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?
Reporter: Who's That?
Ace Ventura: Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the other trainer?
Ace Ventura: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried.
[he holds up only four fingers]
Ace Ventura: Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone.
Reporter: [skeptically] Where is Snowflake?
Ace Ventura: Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
[shouts]
Ace Ventura: Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
[Ace spits]
Roger Podacter: Alright, it's almost time for Coach Shula's press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?
Ace Ventura: [shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it.
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Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.
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[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want.
Dan Marino: No, no kill him.
Ace Ventura: No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP.
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Melissa Robinson: Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.
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Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
[coughs in Ace's face]
Mr. Shickadance: ... you owe me rent.
Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.
[shows him a flyer]
Ace Ventura: That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: Fiber.
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[Ventura knocks on the door]
Woodstock: What's the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
[door opens]
Ace Ventura: Yes.

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