Office
Office

The Office

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User Rating: 3 / 5
(1 vote)
Year: 2005
Genre: Comedy / Drama
Number of Quotes: 30
Submitted by: TheRudyStyle


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Movie Quotes from The Office (2005) (TV Series)

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Season Episode
Showing Season 1, All Episodes
0
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Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis?"
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
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Dwight Schrute: All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, someone, uh, forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay, whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria? Hot dog fingers. Government created killer nano robot infection.
[to Jim]
Dwight Schrute: You did this, didn't you?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you did.
Jim Halpert: No I didn't.
Dwight Schrute: I know it was you. Okay, fine, you know what? I'm going to have interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.
[Dwight slams door to his workspace]
Jim Halpert: [to Pam] Killer nano robots?
Pam Beesly: It's an epidemic.
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Jim Halpert: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
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Jim Halpert: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam Beesly: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim Halpert: Oh, great.
Pam Beesly: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim Halpert: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam Beesly: Nice.
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[Michael doesn't want to come out of his office]
Kevin Malone: He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom!
Angela Martin: Kevin, that's inappropriate!
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Michael Scott: [on a videotape] Hi, I'm Michael Scott and I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But, I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because 'Today is Almost Over.' Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me into the workplace.
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Mr. Brown: Now this is a simple acronym: H.E.R.O. At Diversity, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are: Honesty, Empathy, Respect, and Open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Okay well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, and must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, okay, you're thinking of a superhero.
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Michael Scott: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin Malone: [Wearing the Italian sign on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!
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[during a "Diversity Day" exercise]
Dwight Schrute: Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesly: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesly: OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott: Pam, come on, "I like your food," no, come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.
Pam Beesly: OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] Aw man, am I a woman?
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Pam Beesly: [during a Diversity Day excerise, Dwight has been appointed Chinese without knowing what race he has been assigned] Based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, you may be a bad driver.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man! Am I a woman?
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Kevin Malone: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin Malone: [wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!
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Toby Flenderson: [joking] Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we?
Michael Scott: [serious] Get out.
Toby Flenderson: Oh. Sorry.
Michael Scott: No. This is not a joke. What you said was offensive... and lame, so double offense. This is a place of welcoming, and... you should just get the hell out of here.
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Jim Halpert: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.
Pam Beesly: Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow... Yeah, he's on to me.
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Pam Beesly: Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be... a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: Aw, man, am I a woman?
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Michael Scott: Abraham Lincoln once said that "if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
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Michael Scott: [after bring Pam to tears by saying she's fired] You've been X'd punk!
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[Worried about downsizing]
Angela Martin: I think it's going to be me... It'll probably be me...
Kevin Malone: Yeah, it'll be you.
1

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